Outside

The outside can be lovely.
You just have to avoid humans.

The joys of being crazy #2 - Love

I often think about love. About how easy it was for me to forget all those ideas I had.
Not forget... I still have them, I just find them extremely unpractical.
Relationships were brushed from my mind because I believe I have become one of those people who can't live love in all that ideal fluorescence I thought I should.
I often think I don't deserve to be loved. (Excuse me while I paint my hair black and chose some emo clothes)
It's not a self-esteem issue. I think I have quite a healthy dose of that.
It's not because I'm not pretty or because I'm not interesting.
It's because I'm not all here. I feel whoever got me would feel scammed. A bit like the kid who gets the toy used as a tester at the shop... people have played with it over and over again and now the batteries are gone.
Ok... that sounds like I'm some sort of slut who has been used by many and that was not my point.
The point is I'm exhausted. Not only from having bad experiences but mostly from having to deal with myself and all my craziness.
I'm unworthy because I can't love according to my standards. I lost the innocence that you need to have in order to give yourself completely.
Now I can only connect with people if I'm confident I can hide all my twisted bits.
Honesty is no longer an option for me.
If I'm true to myself, it never was.

The joys of being crazy #1 - Convenient amnesia

Oh... remember those days when something bad happened and you wallowed in pain for hours and hours?
With "convenient amnesia" you can say bye-bye to all that.
Maybe I should give you some background story.
My parents must have dropped me on my head on I was little.. or I was abducted by aliens.. don't really know. The thing is as I grow older the loose stuff in my brain starts bouncing around, knocking things down making things that where properly screwed to the walls come undone and join the "on-the-loose" gang.. And the more things are rattling in my head, the messier it is.
I'm 27 now and I'm already at that stage where I completely forget pieces of my day because they were lived by some other me.
Sounds a bit tragic... but it's not.
It's very convenient!
You see... in my crazy mind I got myself stuck in a situation where I'm living with my ex. Our relationship was not healthy before and after 129 breakups (probably more) it did not improve.
So I open my eyes and I'm on the couch.
My wrist is hurting like hell and the house is silent.
I wonder if I'm alone... a quick check upstairs tells me I'm not.
My head hurts and I'm feeling kind of dizzy so I head to the kitchen to get something to eat and find my fridge completely cleaned.
The stupid thing was still covered in lame declarations of love this morning and now it's completely white. It was scrubbed clean.
It was something I wanted to do for a while but I have been putting it off because I don't deal well with change and normally it triggers a panic response but somehow it was already done.
I was not exactly sure I had done it but it fit my hurting hand ( scrub-scrub-scrub) and my dizziness (way too much nail polish remover).
Later I found out that my ex was angry... so that fit too.
I assumed that the reaction was because I had cleaned the fridge. Yes... we are not together but any step I take in that direction is met with disapproval and a look of betrayal.
Only at night when my ex came to me and told me "I'm so sorry for what I've done today" did I understand.
Something happened today that made me so upset I switched into "i'm-cleaning-this-frickin'-fridge-Rita" but because of my convenient amnesia I have no idea what it was. So I can not feel miserable about it *and* I have a squeaky clean fridge!
Win-win situation!

Feeling low?

When you feel like you are all alone and that no one cares about you leave your dog " accident" locked in a room for 3 minutes then open the door. You are instantly the most important person in the whole world.

Do NOT do this with a cat.
He will meow and scratch the door, begging to be let out... then you open the door and he gives you the "oh... it's you..." look  and goes sit in the corner.

Hair

I cut it again.
Not much, just enough to calm my scissoring cravings.
Oh.. so many lesbian jokes to be made here, so little time.
I'm not that happy with the way it turned out and might have to go at it again tonight.
What? A hairdresser, you say?
Wait. Let me stop laughing.

Today I'm going to spend my day with my parents. I have no idea what we are going to do but I'm hoping it involves a trip someplace far away.
Lunch in Lisbon would be nice.

I'm finally understanding twitter. After 5 years or so. I'm a late bloomer.

It's one of those days... I really feel like writing something but I'm just to focused on the fact that in a few minutes I'll have to leave my precious bunker and go outside to be able to say anything remotely interesting.
And yes... I still have man popping in my 3rd floor windows. Thank the stars for curtains!

Brilliant idea

At 11 pm I decided that my dinner should be brussels sprouts and a fried egg.
Then I decided that the appropriate drink to go with this gourmet dish was warm water.
Now... can someone please explain me what the hell was I thinking?

From Apple's journal #56

*Apple got home and Andrew was already there. He fell asleep in the couch waiting for her to arrive.
She put a sleeping Roderick, Wolf and Scarlet to bed and hushed Owen, Mia and Scarlet to their rooms after brushing their teeth.
She came back to the living room and smiled as she looked at Andrew. He was sitting down, his head was hanging to the right, completely lopsided and the magazine he had been reading was on the floor.
She tiptoed her way to him and slowly sat on his lap, facing him, one leg on each side of his.
A gentle rub was all it took to get his attention.*

Hey sleepy head. Don't you want to get your ass to bed before you get a very stiff neck?

*He smiled at her, making a snide remark about how he was sure that position would give him a stiff something and picked her up, carrying her to the bedroom.*

It's good to be home.

They are destroying my bunker!

Nooooooooo!!!! ( Insert a "frodo" here... and if you get this, you're awesome!)
How did this happen?
My bunker.. my place of solitude, my safe spot... is being destroyed.
I woke up yesterday to some weird structure being build around my building and today I have men outside of my window.
Like in... people popping right outside my third floor windows, where I thought I was safe and away from humans.
Apparently they are painting the building. Oh I don't like this at all! I'll have people around for days!
I swear I've been feeling like hiding in my closet all morning... It's very stressful for a person who doesn't even exist to have reality shoved at her face by construction workers.

/Alaila hides under the blanket

Dear Alaila - Eat alone

"Dear Alaila


I haven't been on my own since I was a 18 year old girl and 10 year later I seem to have lost the ability to eat by myself.

Best wishes

"A friend of mine" from Wonderland, in Maine"

Use a pretty glass.

Who cares if no one else is there? You deserve it. They said so in the girly magazine you were reading the other day.

Don't feel silly because you are using your best glass to drink when your meal is a ready-in-3 minutes bowl of ramen!
You are using fancy chopsticks so it's fine.

Classy!

Searching for others

I'm going to look for others.
Wish me luck.
If you just got here and have no idea what is going on.. you probably should read this.

Dear Alaila

"Dear Alaila


I have just recently got out of a 4 year relationship and I don't know what to do!
Please help.

Best wishes

Completely Made up Person from Lala Land"

Okay.. don't panic.
Your are going to go through the 5 stages of being alone, ready?

1- You'll cry your eyes out.
It doesn't matter if you ended it or the other person did. It doesn't matter if it was a destructive relationship or the love of your life. You will cry.
You will mourn the loss of being with someone, the loss of of being part of something greater than yourself, of having someone to share your meals with and to fill the house with some sort of background noise... even if it was only just that they did.
Embrace it.
Don't fight it. Don't think crying it's a sign of weakness and you're above it.
Set a time for it. Plan an evening of tissues and depressing music.
And that's it. No more. You may feel sad, you may even get teary... but you will not indulge in a pity party any longer than that one night. You are moving on!

2- You will think you are worthless.
If the person didn't fight for you it was because you weren't worth fighting for.
If the person treated you badly it's because you deserved it.
If you were not loved it's because you are unlovable and will never find happiness again.
Stop!
Stop it right now.
If you feel you are worthless do something of value. Help someone. Clean your house. Organize your computer. Call a friend.

3- You will feel that you are ugly/uninteresting/boring.
You are right. With puffy red eyes and runny nose you are not the most attractive person in the world. Wash your face. Smile. Problem solved.
If all you can talk about is your broken relationship you are not that interesting... read a book, read the paper, do a crazy Google search and share your opinions about it. Problem solved.
If you just complaint about your life you are indeed boring. I'm not telling you to hide your pain.. but at least mix it up a bit. We all know great tragedies always have a comic side to them.
Never heard the saying: " it's so sad  it's funny?".

4- You will wonder if you did the right thing or if you should try to get back into that relationship and work harder.
No!
No!
I'll say it again: no!
Right now you are having the fantasy that the other person is doing this.  It's a nice fantasy but it's not happening. They are probably doing this... or this... or this. They might even be doing this already.
You should do the same. Seriously.


5- You'll want to hide away from humans and live as a crazy cat lady.
If that's your thing.. go for it.
If you feel you might get bored after a while and crave human contact then don't push away all your friends.
Remember that people may suck, but there are a few capable of being quite awesome.


After going to all of these stages you will wake up one day and realize that now you don't know what to do with yourself.
Suddenly it's just you and you are not as grieve-struck as before and you even start thinking about the future.
Congratulations.
You are ready to learn how to be single again.

Hate it!

Love cooking. hate doing it for myself.
And I know why: because I suck!
I swear, give me 10 mouths to feed and I'm a happy camper, making delicious oven dishes with crispy toppings. Leave me alone to cook for myself and I do this:

This, my friends, is a zucchini and couscous mess, way too salty and way to soft.
I just can't get the measurements right for just one person.

Facebook, you perv!

When I'm not feeling as sexy and I need a pick me up I can always count on Facebook to make me feel like a slut for a little while I update my profile.

Sure! Of course I want to show my sex in my profile. Should I send a picture now?
Let me unleash my politically correct self: shouldn't it be "show my gender in my profile"?

Yes that makes sense

I hear things going bump in the night and unfortunately it's not the neighbors having a good time.
I don't think anyone on my building has sex. Or in any other building I've lived in.  Or they all have their mute button on.
No, I mean I hear weird sounds in my house. I see shadows out of the corner of my eyes. I freak out on a regular basis because "something" brushed against my leg or "something" tugged at my hair.
Don't judge me!
I don't exist. It's only natural for me to be afraid of other things that don't exist either.
Anyway... because of this I am more afraid of the dark than a four year old. I'm the kind of girl who turns on the lights in the next room and then goes back to the room she was to turn off the lights there.
The other day the lights went out on my whole street and we were in the dark for almost an hour.
Oh.. the fun. Have you ever tried to find  candle in the dark with shaky hands and a dog jumping around you?
So since then when the sun goes down I light  a candle in the room I'm in. That way if "something" makes the lights go out I'll still be able to fight the darkness with my mighty tea candle.
Now, you might look at this and ask " but Alailanible... if "something" wanted you to be in the dark *and* could make the lights go out, couldn't it as easily blow out the candle. To that I say "Shhh! Don't give them ideas!!!"
I use the same fantastic logic for  battling the weird sounds: I use headphones and hear music all the time.
"But Alailanible... that just means that you don't hear it.. doesn't mean the sounds are gone. And if there is really "something" running around your house wouldn't it be better to hear it coming so you could run... or scream... or be polite and bake cookies?"
To that I say " what? I can't hear you over the music, sorry..."

From Apple's journal #55

I'm a chicken.. laying eggs!
So Andrew comes home, starts kissing me and I tell him: baby, it's that time of the month...
He ignores me.
I press on: you know... the "making babies time of the month" and we are out of condoms.
He then says something like "oh.. you should rest for a while before we have another one, right?"
I say that yes... maybe it's better because Roderick isn't even one year old and we buy some condoms.
I tell him I have condoms and he asks me if I think we could make a baby in just one try.
I tell him no, I don't think that's possible.
He laughs and tells me "want to try? If we are that lucky.. we can call her Chance!".
I laugh, he laughs, I look at him laughing, he looks at me looking at him, I drop the condoms and then... well...
Half an hour later we are laying in the kitchen floor, catching our breaths and I say that we are completely crazy.
A week passes and I start to get nervous "should I go pee on a stick? I should pee on a stick.. otherwise in a couple of weeks I'll be even more disappointed because there is no Chance."
So I did.
I'm a chicken... laying eggs. I promise I'll stop when I have a dozen.

From Apple's journal #54

So this is was my fourth pregnancy... and my third time giving birth all by myself.
I have the worst timing ever when it's time to pop.
Down to two nannies, on on her day off, my husband away.. perfect time to have the baby of course.
Thank god I have the best friend and the best nanny in the world... I was able to focus all my energy in the baby and not worry about the children at home.
I must admit I freaked out at first when my water broke and I realised that I was alone with the 5 kids and had to get to the hospital as fast as possible.
But I'm not a newbie any more... after 3 other pregnancies I'm a professional at this!
I took my deep breaths, I told the little ones that their brother was coming and that we were all taking a trip to the hospital. Then I called Rita asking for help and she sprung into action.
Then I called Rosa and she was already on her way.
In the end all turned out well.
I have one more perfect baby boy. My little Roderick .
...
I just wish you had been here...

From Apple's journal #53

I miss my wife and I miss my husband.
I miss having Janina all for myself for more than a few hours in a random city.
I miss having her kids around, competing with mine for the biggest chaos making us in to one huge family.
I miss the scent of her hair, the softness of her skin and the cute hearts the draws on notes.
I miss the way she playfully bites my shoulder and announces proudly that she has bitten the apple.
And I miss Andrew.
I miss his arms around me and feeling safe nestled in his embrace.
I miss kissing him awake in the morning and the way he always smiles when he looks at me.
I miss hearing the kids laugh when he picks them up and makes them fly.
I miss the long baths we share when he comes home from fishing.
I miss having him cuddle me to sleep and rubbing my belly, calling me popcorn because I'm ready to pop.
I miss them!

So when do I get these two huge chunks of my heart back? Hum?

From Apple's journal #52

I always get like this at the end of my pregnancies.
Sleepy.
Lazy.
I spend warm mornings in bed, slow afternoons baking cookies with the occasional nap with Wolf and Bella and I cuddle in Andrew's lap most of the evening watching the kids play.
Having Rosa's children around actually calms things down around here. They get Letty tired!
I would write more... but I have a some nice tea brewing and a book that is not going to read itself.

From Apple's journal #51

So after a failed attempt today the doctor was finally able to see a little weiner.
Me and Andrew are going to be having another baby boy.
Scarlet was not too happy with the news but Owen was pretty optimistic about it.
On one end we have a "but.. we already have a baby and its a boy...." on the other we have " yes.. now we are tied: 3 girls, 3 boys!".
Mia was just puzzled : "are girls harder to make? Why do my moms have so many boys?"
Ruby was very progressive with her reaction: "can he change his mind and be a girl?".
Wolf wanted to eat.
So, we are all waiting for you Rodrick!

From Apple's journal #50

*Apple wakes up and feels Andrew's arms around her. She tries to get out of bed to make breakfast but his grip on her tightens. She tries to lift his arm up but it's weighting down on her. A playful laugh lets her know he isn't sleeping at all.
She turns around to face him,ready for her good morning kiss.
His voice is still thick from sleep when he says "'morning, muffin".
She kisses him, momentarily forgetting why she wanted to get out of bed in the first place.
-Mommy... I'm xirty! - a very sleepy Scarlet enters the room, her pillow on her hand and a blanket over her head.
Apple grabs a bottle from the night stand while Andrew pulls the child into the bed.
Letty drinks her water and falls asleep in her dad's arms again. Later on she probably won't even remember how she ended up in her parents bed.
Apple lays her head in her husband's chest and twirls one of Letty's curls in her hand deciding that breakfast can wait.*