I often think about love. About how easy it was for me to forget all those ideas I had.
Not forget... I still have them, I just find them extremely unpractical.
Relationships were brushed from my mind because I believe I have become one of those people who can't live love in all that ideal fluorescence I thought I should.
I often think I don't deserve to be loved. (Excuse me while I paint my hair black and chose some emo clothes)
It's not a self-esteem issue. I think I have quite a healthy dose of that.
It's not because I'm not pretty or because I'm not interesting.
It's because I'm not all here. I feel whoever got me would feel scammed. A bit like the kid who gets the toy used as a tester at the shop... people have played with it over and over again and now the batteries are gone.
Ok... that sounds like I'm some sort of slut who has been used by many and that was not my point.
The point is I'm exhausted. Not only from having bad experiences but mostly from having to deal with myself and all my craziness.
I'm unworthy because I can't love according to my standards. I lost the innocence that you need to have in order to give yourself completely.
Now I can only connect with people if I'm confident I can hide all my twisted bits.
Honesty is no longer an option for me.
If I'm true to myself, it never was.
4 comments:
To complete the emo look don't forget the cuts, and if thats not your thing you can always tattoo them.
There are some awesome tester toys, and when the bateries are running out and they start to act in different ways some of them are even more fun to play with!
*cof* bullshit *cof*
I love being in love, it's just my idea of perfect hapiness. Unfortunately whoever I love never loves me back! And that has made me become too used to be alone. I keep wishing I would just find someone already and try to actualy share a life with another person, try it out, see how it goes. But I haven't fallen in love in quite a while now and start thinking what the hell is wrong with me? And if I am not in love I can't just hang out just because, I need more... So my thoughts are I'll be an auntie and godmother to a lot of kids and that will be the highlight of my life. Hopefully not but that's the way it's going. When did all this become so difficult???
I'd say things took a wrong turn around the 1976. I blame all that hairspray.
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